A Teacher’s Reflection

Narrated by John Schwarz, Curated by Vishal Sharma

Dear Self,

Today’s my last day here teaching in person for God knows how long. It gets exhausting switching between online and in person. Though I’ll miss some of my students and colleagues, it’s healthy to get out of here. Gretchie is doing the right thing. She’s really ballsy. People are going to get upset, but she doesn’t care. We need a governor who has a spine, and she measures up to that. Anyhow, it’s been a long day, but it’s been pretty alright.

I used to hate this dump. I wasn’t even 25 when I started working here. I had no intention of teaching mouthy, spoiled kids. However, my graduate school professor made me get a job right away. At the interview, I said I could start next week and now, 37 years later, I am writing this entry behind my desk at Detroit Country Day School. My income was nice and steady by the time I became a husband and dad. Life was stable. 27 years of my life here, nonetheless, were spent discontent.

No matter what I did, I wasn’t in love. Swimming, robotics, photography, ceramics, drawing, track and field : everything I mentored in and cared about didn’t capture my energy and passion as it once had. The so-called “zest for life” many claim to have wasn’t within me. Nothing could ignite it. My job became mundane. The monotony broke my spirit. Day in and day out, it was the same uninspiring crap. I longed for change. Change of some kind, be it in routine or feeling, was all I wanted.

I should’ve been careful what I was wishing for because 10 years ago… oh I got a change alright. I’ve never been all that religious, but whatever higher being exists out there… holy shit. He used his magic powers and gave me an ass whooping of a lifetime. A motorcycle crash was said whooping. I broke my leg and my back gave out. The hospital became my home for a few weeks.

Losing mobility gave me lots of reflection time. Suddenly, It hit me. I am in charge of my own destiny. I am 51, dammit. I can do what I want. And I do it!

Yes, as much as I once hated to admit, I have a routine. But it’s fine. Everyday, I do what I want. I pug the clay when I want to. I drink coffee when I feel like it. I do tutorials for centering, trimming, and glazing on my own accord. I teach a very creative course, and I can use my creativity 24/7 to spice things up. In the grand scheme of things, I am lucky. Not everyone has the luxury of doing what they want when they want, if they feel like it. It took my life to flash before my eyes for me to understand that I am the master of my reality. Ultimately, the sun shines brightly only if I say it does.

I don’t do extracurriculars that I don’t want to do. I may love the activity in itself, but it doesn’t mean that I want to be sentenced to it forever. I’ll do it if it makes me feel good for the time being. I won’t if it doesn’t. I am not tied down to anything, like swimming or track. It’s good while it lasts, but moving on is freeing.

On another note, I actually help! I have a purpose here. Kids approach me with questions and I get to share my visions with them. In exchange, I get some of their creative flairs. Seeing them grow, shine, and thrive as artists is the greatest gift I could ask for. My purpose is defined. I’m so happy to know that I always have something to do and someone to help. When I came back to the school after the accident, the equilibrium of impact hit me. I help this place as much as it helps me. That sense of usefulness keeps me going. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my 61 years.

It’s been good seeing you friend. I am going to go back to work.